Heroin, Children, and Wonder Twin Boys
by cancerous cactus
Summary: Dirk and Dave are living their first year alone while Dirk goes to college. Dirk struggles to balance raising Dave, his studies, and his growing attraction for a certain Computer Programming Major. Not to mention all the people he snipped out of his life like a baby who just got a hold of scissors for the first time trying to connect back with him. He really needs a drink.


_-gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering timeausTestified [TT]-_

 _GG: Hey cool guy, how is Carnegie treating you?_

 _TT: It's caring for me more than I care for my main man, Lil Cal. Which is to say, it's treating me like a damn princess. I've never felt any more cared for and treated well than I do at this very moment._

 _GG: …_

 _GG: You aren't having sex and pestering me at the same time again, right? It's been awhile since you've done this sort of thing but..._

 _TT: Not this time kiddo, this time I'm gorging the sweetest of pastries I have ever tasted, not including your very own delicious creations._

 _GG: …_

 _TT: Not a euphemism for serious love-making. I promise._

 _GG: Well color me intrigued, where are you receiving these culinary delights?_

Dirk glances up, past the brightly colored text flashing across his vision and out the window, trying and failing to see the sign indicating where the actual fuck he even is. With a sigh he consults his glasses again.

 _-timeausTestified [TT] began pestering timeausTestified [TT]-_

 _TT: Hal?_

 _TT: You're currently at Cakewalkers._

 _TT: Cute._

The door chimes and an angry screech leaves the short cashier as soon as a tall, lanky, and heavily pierced customer steps into the small bakery. "I told you not to follow me shitsponge! I don't care how bored you get at your house, you can't follow me everywhere I go!" The cashier shouts, pointing a small finger at Piercing (as Dirk has mentally dubbed the him).

"Jesus KK," Piercing barely manages to lisp out, "You really think I followed you here to annoy you? I'm not that desperate."

Jesus, that _lisp_ . It's so _bad._ How the fuck does this guy even manage to speak on a regular, day to day basis? And yet, shockingly, the only word that comes to Dirk's mind when he thinks about it is _cute_. Dirk does not simply think something is cute. He's a rad, cool dude and cute is not a word he uses other than for ironic purposes. Cute is for My Little Ponies, not for lanky college students with afros and weird retro 3D glasses. And yet, here Dirk is, swooning like a damn princess in front of her unconventional, Wonder Twin t-shirt wearing prince. God, what Dirk would give to plant a kiss on those dark, pierced lips.

With what _might_ be an internal screech, Dirk watches as Piercing plants himself in the chair closest to the door. Which also just so happens to be the chair right across from Dirk himself. Piercing doesn't seem to have noticed Dirk yet, and Dirk almost hopes that the other doesn't notice him at all. Almost immediately Piercing turns and faces him. So much for that.

Weirdly colored glasses meet Dirk's own rad shades and Piercing's face and ears seem to pinken slightly (his skin's so dark it's really actually hard to tell, Dirk is just gonna assume he's blushing).

"Ah, sorry," Piercing stammers out, "I didn't see you there, Jesus, I probably just ruined your desert, I'll just-" he pushes himself out of the chair and attempts to stand. He succeeds only after bumping his knees on the table causing it to shake ominously.

These tables are the flimsiest things since Dirk's last relationship.

"Nah it's fine bro, sit your fine, plush rump right back down." Dirk hastily assures, and feels his heart rate pick up to a dangerous speed. At this rate, Dirk might just die of a heart attack.

 _Oh my fucking god._ The internal screeching only gets louder as Piercing sits back down with a slightly mortified look.

Dirk's heart can't handle this. He can feel cavities hollowing out his teeth and a brand new case of diabetes punching him right in the gut. He's too cute. Too sweet. Jesus fucking Christ on kabab, Dirk has never felt gayer.

 _TT: Jesus, you are so gay._

After a moment of silence, where they stare uncomfortably at each other Piercing finally speaks, breaking the awkward eye contact and silence. "My name's Sollux," he says, scratching his arm and glancing back at the cashier who's still giving him a dirty look, "don't mind my friend Karkat over there, he's kind of a mess," once again, he turns his gaze back to the cashier, "and I promise you I'm not some creepy stalker guy. I actually had no idea KK worked here."

Silence reigns for a good five minutes as Dirk sits and masks his panic for stoic indifference. "Okay, listen buddy," Sollux finally spits out angrily, "if you wanted me to sit here, the least you could do is engage in some polite small talk like a normal person. I'm trying to be polite here and you're just… I don't know? Giving me the cold shoulder?"

"Sorry man, I got lost in your eyes there for a bit." Dirk replies easily, ignoring Hal's and his own internal screeching about his almost completely un-ironic cheesiness. Sollux sputters and coughs in his surprise.

"You can't even _see_ my eyes! I'm wearing tinted glasses!" He barely keeps from shrieking at Dirk, keeping his volume to a stage whisper.

 _GG: Dirk? Are you okay?_

 _TT: No, I am very much not okay._

 _TT: I have just encountered the most beautiful creature on this Earth._

 _TT: Not including my horses of course._

 _GG: Oh? And who might this be?_

"I promise you, even though I can't see your eyes, I know they are worthy of getting lost in. I'm getting lost all up in your retinas. Stuck in the middle of buttfuck nowhere because of your beautiful eyes." Dirk… flirts? He really doesn't have any clue what this is.

"What the actual fuck." Sollux whispers and glares at the cashier.

God, all he's doing is just driving the cute Wonder Twins boy off.

Dirk clears his throat and offers his hand out to shake, as is only polite. "Name's Dirk, I'm a student at Carnegie, I only came here because I got lost." Sollux tentatively grabs his hand and shakes it firmly.

"You go to Carnegie too…? What's your major?" He asks hesitantly, retracting his hand.

"I major in Robotics." Dirk answers tonelessly. The thought of school actually makes him want to fly right off the metaphorical handle. So much work to do and here he is shoving his face with fuckin cake and flirting(?) with adorable Wonder Twin boys. These are the kind of boys father warned him against. Or well, he's pretty sure that his dad would have warned him against them, if he had a dad (all dad's warn their children about boys with tattoos and piercings, this is science).

"I'm balls deep in all kinds of homework now that I think about it," Dirk continues, "what about you? What's your major?"

"Hehe, me too. I major in Computer Programming."

"Cool, cool." Dirk nods his head and ignores the cashier's hysterical laughing. He's not laughing at them. At least that's what Dirk tells himself.

Another awkward silence reigns and Sollux clears his throat and glances around the bakery.

On second thought, the cashier is definitely laughing at them.

 _GG:..._

 _GG: Dirk?_

 _TT: His name is Sollux and he's wearing a Wonder Twins shirt._

 _GG: Sounds adorable._

TT: Speaking of adorable, I better get back to Dave. Can't leave a five year old home alone this long, even if he has an AI watching him like a hawk.

"Well, this was nice and all, but I have a lot of homework to get to. I would totally love to chill again." Quickly, Dirk picks up the crumpled napkin by his empty, chocolate smeared plate and jots down his chumhandle. "If you have Persterchum, you can reach me here. If you don't have one then make one so we can chat again." Dirk winks and does the walk he knows makes his ass look divine. He can hear the sputtering of Sollux and the cackling of the cashier. He pays for more chocolate cake for Dave (the kid would be very upset if he knew Dirk went to a bakery and didn't bring him back something).

Life is good.

* * *

Dirk fumbles with his massive mess of keys to open the door. He finally gives up and bangs on the door, yelling for Dave to open the door and let him in. Tiny footsteps run to the door and Dirk hears the many locks click and snap open. Finally the door opens and Dirk feels small arms wrap around his mid-section. "I missed you Dirk." He hears mumbled into his stomach and Dirk ruffles Dave's hair and hoists him up onto his hip.

"Brought you some cake." Dirk says as he plants a kiss on Dave's forehead making the five year old's nose scrunch up.

"Gay." Dave mutters and reaches for the take out box.

"Ah ah ah," Dirk tuts and sits Dave on the kitchen table, "you haven't even had lunch yet. This is desert." He places the take out box in the fridge and looks back at Dave watching him swing his legs back and forth. "So, what are we eating for lunch on this fine Saturday?" Dirk asks and grabs his frilly pink "Number One Mom" apron Dave gave him for Mother's Day last year (with Jane's help of course) and ties it on.

"AJ!" Dave shouts, hopping off the table and heading for the fridge.

"Hmmm," Dirk hums watching Dave pull out his beloved AJ from the fridge (at the lowest shelf so the tiny boy could reach it of course), "make a choice little dude, you can have either AJ or chocolate cake for lunch. It's a lot of sugar to have both at the same time."

Dave pouts and slides the AJ back into the fridge. "Cake it is then." Dirk says and reaches for some pulled pork he had made last week, "Sloppy Joes okay with you?" Dirk asks, throwing the leftover pork into a pot and placing it on the stove.

"Heck yes."

"Set the table, brat."

Dutifully, Dave takes out the utensils and paper plates (Dirk does not enjoy dishes) and places them on the small table. Dirk pulls out two hamburger buns from the fridge pours himself and Dave glasses of water. Quickly he checks the temperature of the pulled pork and dishes it out onto the hamburger buns (a little less for Dave because the kid doesn't have a huge appetite).

"Finally," Dave whines, "I've been waiting forever. Like a thousand hours." Dirk rolls his eyes and places the plates on the table.

"I was getting some scrumptious delights for you Dave. No complaining. Oh shoot," Dirk turns right back around, "I forgot the drinks."

"Revenge."

"A revenge that also affects you, dipshit."

"AH!" Dave gasps dramatically, "A NAUGHTY WORD!"

Dirk makes a face and places the glasses down on the table, "Whatever. Do what I say, not as I do. Now," Dirk gestures to the food, "eat up."

They chow down on their meals, Dave, of course, getting food any and everywhere possible. This year was the first year that Dave and Dirk started living alone. Two years since the CPS dropped an abused, hurting three year old in the lap of a recovering addict. Dirk had been on his deathbed from OD-ing on heroin not even a week before, he had just turned eighteen and was scared shitless about being kicked out of his foster home. However, Dirk had been through the system and was not willing to subject Dave to that. The Crockers (Jane being the one who had taken him to the hospital that one day) had taken them in. John and Dave had quickly becoming practically inseparable (Dirk facetimes Jane every night, John and Dave get their own little buddy time).

Jane, bless her soul, taught Dirk how to take care of a child (and himself), and Dad, god bless him, taught Dirk what was normal for child development and how much they need to be fed and what might seem weird and to not treat them like adults. He's a _child_. You aren't born knowing everything.

As of now, Dirk is fast-tracking through college on an inheritance (and a hefty scholarship) from parents he never knew. An inheritance that is extremely vast. Even if he was half-ing it with his piece of shit brother (as soon as said piece of shit brother got out of jail for negligence and abuse).

(Let it be known that when said piece of shit brother got out of jail, he would not be getting within a twenty mile radius of Dave if Dirk had anything to do with it).

After cleaning up, they spend the rest of the day dicking around. Dirk helps Dave with his homework and Dirk consults Hal, Google, and his expensive textbooks with help on his homework.


End file.
